Saturday, August 4, 2012

How It (Possibly) Happened: Rick Nash's Call To The Dispatch Advertising Department

[NOTE: Some names have been changed to protect the innocent...]

Columbus Dispatch Ad Rep Maude Willard: Columbus Dispatch advertising... this is Maude. How may I help you?

Rick Nash: Uh, yeah. I want to take out an ad in... uh, you know, your newspaper.

Okay... let me pull up the screen I need here... alrighty. Let's start with your information. Your name?

Uh, yeah. First name "Rick"... last name... uh, you know, "Nash."

Okay, Rick... Na-- ohhhh! Right! The hockey player, right?

Yeah, that's me.

So sorry to hear you got traded. You know, a lot of people are really gonna miss having you around.

Yeah. Well, uhhhh... I felt I had to do it for the team... and uh, you know. The fans and stuff.

Well, you do what you have to, sometimes... miss you all the same.

Yeah, I just thought it was the best thing for me to do for the good of the team. And, uhhhh... you know, my career.

Yeah. Oooookay.

Yeah, Columbus has great fans. They deserve to watch a winning team night in and night out, and we just didn't bring it like we should have tonight... [record skip] ...should have tonight... [record skip] ...should have tonight... [record skip] ...should have tonight... [record skip] ... [smack upside the head] Ow! Mr. Resniiiiick...!

Joe Resnick (in background): Shut up and get to the point, you idiot, I have other clients, y'know...

Aaaaalrighty, then... so tell me about this ad, Rick.

Uhhh, yeah... so I'm thinking an open letter kinda thing... to... uhhhhh, you know. The fans.

Ah, okay. What size? Full page?

Wow... that's a lot of space to fill. Ummm, yeah, okay... for the fans of... yeah, you know. Columbus.

Okay, what do you want to say?

Uhhhhhh... okay, so dear Blue Jackets fans: This has been a great job, and I'm sorry I couldn't carry the team into--

A little too Ann Curry, Rick.

Oh... right. Uhhhh... so... it has been a great run in Columbus, and I wanted to do the best thing for the team to get them the pieces they needed to get back into the Playo--

[single thump]

[muffled] to cmmtemm fmm the Stmmmley Cu--

Stupid... [struggling] cheap-ass... [struggling] black market piece of... [glass breaking] ... damn chloroform...

Mr. Nash?!?!? Rick? Oh my God, RICK?!?!?

[loud thud]


Is he okay?!?!?

Oh, he's fine... just having a hard time finding the words, that's all.

You sure?

Oh, hell, he's fiiiiine. I swear to God... so sick of this... it's like I have to write every crappy, spin-loaded crock of B.S. that comes outta this damn kid's mouth. Okay, where were we?

We were still just getting started... are you sure he's okay?

Whatever. Let's get this done, Maude. Big, full-page ad. Big-ass photo of Rick celebrating something really cool, like a goal, or a Playoff-clinching win or some crap. Make people really miss him, y'know? Then, uh... ummm...


Yeah... ummmmm... you live near a Hallmark or something?

I think so.

Okay, add a few bucks to the invoice and go buy a card, and try and make the messaging sound hockey-ish, and you know... Nash it up a little. Just make it sound authentic or something.

Ummmmm... okay.

Seriously, Maude... I'm counting on you. GOT TO SOUND SINCERE. I can't come up with any more. I've been coming up with ideas for this putz for six [expletive] months. Sweetheart, I'm out of ideas. I need a vacation. I pray to God every day this putz never becomes a captain or gets traded again. Just so he never has to speak in public. Kid's freakin' worthless when it comes to accountability in the face of adversity. Just bails. Do you know what it's like to ghost-write every damn thing under the sun for a freakin' MUTE?

I'm becoming slightly uncomfortable, Mr. Resnick.

Sorry. Can ya do this for me, Maude?


Thanks... recap: big-ass, happy Nash photo, authentic-sounding greeting card message. Alright, ready for the card number...?

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7/24/2012: Dawn In Columbus
7/6/2012: Time To End This No-Win Situation
6/30/2012: Box Full of Letters, Part II: Rick Nash
6/30/2012: Free Agency Almost Open... Still No Nash Deal
6/16/2012: NashWatch, The Sequel: Happy Birthday... Your Gift's Running Late
3/21/2012: NashWatch: The Incredible Disappearing Captain

3/1/2012: Well... Now That Nash Has Spoken...
2/28/2012: Bad Season... Turned Nightmare...
2/27/2012: Trade Deadline Day: The Beginning Of The End (?)
2/16/2012: Bubble Hockey (Players): Rick Nash

1 comment:

  1. Bwah ha! Snort, snicker! I just walked in from vacation in the hinterlands, saw about the add, so I thinks to myself "I wonder what Martini's got on this?"

    thanks for the chuckle, well done!